Progress

Today I took all the pictures of Jerrid and I out of the frames and put them in a box. I was a little teary eyed at the beginning but I felt really strong when I was doing it. Progress. Day by day. 

Triggers

It's crazy the different things that trigger me. Life flight just brought in a patient and it flooded me with memories of St. George when I did fixed wing. I really miss doing it. I even had a crazy idea of selling everything and moving back to St. George so I can fly with fixed wing again. 

I feel a deep sadness of not appreciating what I had when I had it. I really was happy with Jerrid and I really thought we were going to grow old together. I enjoyed living in St. George and I finally had started making deep friendships before I left. I know it would be too painful to live there again but the thought really crossed my mind.  I know Julie would hire me again. 

I really hope to make new memories and find happiness again. I feel like I'm stuck under a black cloud and I hope to see the sunshine again. I just hate this feeling. 

I'm barely breathing

Listening to music has been really hard for me lately. The lyrics of every song seem to be about heart break, lost love etc....  These lyrics ring true to how I feel right now. I'm barely breathing. That's how I feel. I feel grief stricken. I could barely get out of bed today. I cried myself to sleep again last night. Puffy eyes again this morning. Why is this so hard? 

I don't want to burden anyone with how sad I really feel. I think about suicide EVERY DAY. I keep thinking I can't do something permanent for temporary sadness. But it doesn't feel temporary. I cry myself to sleep almost every night. I don't know how much more I can take. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like a zombie walking through life faking a smile and "I'm fine" when people ask how I am doing. Nobody wants to hear that I'm empty

inside and I want to die. 

Happy

I want to be happy again. I saw my counselor today. She is so wonderful. We talked about tools I can use when I am tempted by men, especially those I have met online. I think I am addicted to attention. Or sex. Or both. I realize I am just trying to use counterfeit ways to feel loved, needed, desired, wanted etc.  I've been so strong lately and have been able to tell every temptation no. 

Well almost everyone. There's Andrew. I guess I'm sort of dating him. I really enjoy being with him and we have a lot of fun together. He makes me laugh and I love his sarcasm. We don't see each other a lot due to our conflicting  jobs and the fact the Andrew is the hardest worker I've ever known. He works around 100 hours a week. He is a machine!!! We try to spend as much time together as we can. He also has a 12 year old son to spend time with. I want to be sensitive to that. 

We aren't "exclusive" but through some serious conversations we both really like each other and we want to build a friendship and take things slow.  So that's the plan. I don't want to be an annoying, smothering girlfriend so I'm just going with the flow.  I told my counselor today that I don't know if Andrew and I are marriage material but I still want to get to know him and learn from him. He is a nice distraction from someone who occupies way too much time in my mind. I honestly think less of Jerrid now than ever before. I think that's a great thing!! 

I really like Andrew. More than I'm willing to admit. We went to Jackson Hole together for the weekend a few weeks ago. It was a lot if fun. We relaxed, went on a few road trips to find elk and we almost drove to West Yellowstone. We had some great food. But honestly my favorite time was talking to him on the way up and the way down in the car. I love talking to him. I can learn a lot from him. He's a really neat person. He makes me laugh. 

New photo

Much needed full body massage

I'm learning I need to take care of myself again. I lost myself in him and stopped doing the things I loved. So I got a 90 minute full body massage today and it was divine!! I scheduled another one next week. Lol. I have years to make up for. I also went for a 2 mile walk today. It felt great to get fresh air and sweat. I think it's so important to be active and take care of myself. I will be 40 next year and I want to look and feel healthy! I'm also eating healthier and drinking less diet coke/coke zero. I need to make small changes that will everntually be big changes. 

I feel good tonight. A little sore from the massage but emotionally good. I took a bubble bath tonight with my DoTerra oils and I feel very clear and calm. 

Thank you Heavenly Father for your many blessings in my life. I am so lucky to have such a great family, friends, job, Bishop, health, and much much more. I feel calm and peaceful tonight. 

Pictures

I went into my closet to look for something and I found our camera. I forgot we had a nice camera with pictures still on the SD card. So of course I tortured myself and looked at them. There were pictures from our honeymoon cruise, holidays with the kids and a few inappropriate (don't even pretend to be shocked) ones. Of course I started crying. 

Then I decided to clean out a box full of framed pictures of the two of us that I never hung up on out wall in St. George. What do I do with them? Burn them?