I am hurt. I am sick of crying over HIM. I'm sure everyone knew our marriage wouldn't work out but I didn't know that. I was in love and the happiest I had ever been. I thought I would grow old with him and I loved just being with him. I gave up everything for him and his kids and I was ok with it until it blew up in my face. Now I am angry. I feel used. I was used. I will never become a victim again. NEVER!
Now I am trying to pick up the pieces and move on. I am still lost, wandering and hoping that I will be happy again. I am realizing that I need to be happy and ok with being alone before I can even dream of getting into another relationship. I want to have a healthy relationship with someone but I can't right now. I'm too hurt. I can't stop thinking about him. I just want ONE day to go by without thinking about him.
I think I am hurt the most that I am still grieving 10 months after our separation (8 months since our divorce), and he got remarried exactly one month after our divorce was final. It makes me feel so insignificant. I question everything now. Did he even love me? Was it real or just a fairy tale I made up in my head? I wish I didn't care about him so much. But I did. I loved him more than I even thought was possible. I worshiped the ground he walked on. I rescued him from a horrible unhappy marriage (so he said), bankruptcy and a poor self esteem. I told him every day how he handsome and wonderful he was. He never felt worth it or good enough. I did everything I could to make him feel like he was the most important man in the world and he was good enough. In the process of helping him find his self esteem I lost mine.
Now where do I go and what do I do? I know I will look back on this and wonder how I ever got through it. Day by day I guess. God is carrying me through each day to the next. It's hard to feel the comfort right now but I know I am being looked after and this is happening for a reason. I find great comfort in knowing that my Heavenly Father knows exactly how I am feeling and what I am going through. Going through this HELL will eventually help me in the future. My prayers have become more sincere and I know we go through trials so we hit rock bottom and remember what is important. We always seem to forget God when things are going so well in our lives. Do we go through the refiners fire so we draw closer to God?
Despite all this grief and pain I am thankful for such a wonderful family and friends who listen to me non stop through this process. I have a great support system and people who love me unconditionally. I love my LDS Bishop who has helped me realize what I need to do and what is important. He gives me guidance and I always feel so much better after I meet with him. He is so wise and knows exactly what to say to me. I know he is truly inspired and he is my absolute favorite Bishop of all time.
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