Progress

Today I took all the pictures of Jerrid and I out of the frames and put them in a box. I was a little teary eyed at the beginning but I felt really strong when I was doing it. Progress. Day by day. 

Triggers

It's crazy the different things that trigger me. Life flight just brought in a patient and it flooded me with memories of St. George when I did fixed wing. I really miss doing it. I even had a crazy idea of selling everything and moving back to St. George so I can fly with fixed wing again. 

I feel a deep sadness of not appreciating what I had when I had it. I really was happy with Jerrid and I really thought we were going to grow old together. I enjoyed living in St. George and I finally had started making deep friendships before I left. I know it would be too painful to live there again but the thought really crossed my mind.  I know Julie would hire me again. 

I really hope to make new memories and find happiness again. I feel like I'm stuck under a black cloud and I hope to see the sunshine again. I just hate this feeling. 

I'm barely breathing

Listening to music has been really hard for me lately. The lyrics of every song seem to be about heart break, lost love etc....  These lyrics ring true to how I feel right now. I'm barely breathing. That's how I feel. I feel grief stricken. I could barely get out of bed today. I cried myself to sleep again last night. Puffy eyes again this morning. Why is this so hard? 

I don't want to burden anyone with how sad I really feel. I think about suicide EVERY DAY. I keep thinking I can't do something permanent for temporary sadness. But it doesn't feel temporary. I cry myself to sleep almost every night. I don't know how much more I can take. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like a zombie walking through life faking a smile and "I'm fine" when people ask how I am doing. Nobody wants to hear that I'm empty

inside and I want to die. 

Happy

I want to be happy again. I saw my counselor today. She is so wonderful. We talked about tools I can use when I am tempted by men, especially those I have met online. I think I am addicted to attention. Or sex. Or both. I realize I am just trying to use counterfeit ways to feel loved, needed, desired, wanted etc.  I've been so strong lately and have been able to tell every temptation no. 

Well almost everyone. There's Andrew. I guess I'm sort of dating him. I really enjoy being with him and we have a lot of fun together. He makes me laugh and I love his sarcasm. We don't see each other a lot due to our conflicting  jobs and the fact the Andrew is the hardest worker I've ever known. He works around 100 hours a week. He is a machine!!! We try to spend as much time together as we can. He also has a 12 year old son to spend time with. I want to be sensitive to that. 

We aren't "exclusive" but through some serious conversations we both really like each other and we want to build a friendship and take things slow.  So that's the plan. I don't want to be an annoying, smothering girlfriend so I'm just going with the flow.  I told my counselor today that I don't know if Andrew and I are marriage material but I still want to get to know him and learn from him. He is a nice distraction from someone who occupies way too much time in my mind. I honestly think less of Jerrid now than ever before. I think that's a great thing!! 

I really like Andrew. More than I'm willing to admit. We went to Jackson Hole together for the weekend a few weeks ago. It was a lot if fun. We relaxed, went on a few road trips to find elk and we almost drove to West Yellowstone. We had some great food. But honestly my favorite time was talking to him on the way up and the way down in the car. I love talking to him. I can learn a lot from him. He's a really neat person. He makes me laugh. 

New photo

Much needed full body massage

I'm learning I need to take care of myself again. I lost myself in him and stopped doing the things I loved. So I got a 90 minute full body massage today and it was divine!! I scheduled another one next week. Lol. I have years to make up for. I also went for a 2 mile walk today. It felt great to get fresh air and sweat. I think it's so important to be active and take care of myself. I will be 40 next year and I want to look and feel healthy! I'm also eating healthier and drinking less diet coke/coke zero. I need to make small changes that will everntually be big changes. 

I feel good tonight. A little sore from the massage but emotionally good. I took a bubble bath tonight with my DoTerra oils and I feel very clear and calm. 

Thank you Heavenly Father for your many blessings in my life. I am so lucky to have such a great family, friends, job, Bishop, health, and much much more. I feel calm and peaceful tonight. 

Pictures

I went into my closet to look for something and I found our camera. I forgot we had a nice camera with pictures still on the SD card. So of course I tortured myself and looked at them. There were pictures from our honeymoon cruise, holidays with the kids and a few inappropriate (don't even pretend to be shocked) ones. Of course I started crying. 

Then I decided to clean out a box full of framed pictures of the two of us that I never hung up on out wall in St. George. What do I do with them? Burn them?

Sick of crying

Nights are the hardest when I'm all alone in my (our!!!) bed. The reality sets in every night that I am alone. I cry a lot at night and I can't count how many times I have woken up with swollen eyes.  Last night I prayed to Heavey father to please help me get through another day, week, month. I can't do this alone.  Sometimes my prayers consist of "please help me" because that all I can remember how to say. 

Sometimes I just want to give up. Be done. I want the pain the end. 

I feel so lonely, undesired, unloved, like I don't even matter. Who will want me anyway? I don't even like me. 

I thought he was everything.

My journey

2013.....this has been the hardest year of my life.   I am on a journey of self awareness and healing from my divorce.  I am hoping that by writing down my feelings I will be able to find peace and clarity.

I am hurt.  I am sick of crying over HIM.  I'm sure everyone knew our marriage wouldn't work out but I didn't know that.  I was in love and the happiest I had ever been.  I thought I would grow old with him and I loved just being with him.  I gave up everything for him and his kids and I was ok with it until it blew up in my face.  Now I am angry.  I feel used.  I was used.  I will never become a victim again.  NEVER!

Now I am trying to pick up the pieces and move on.  I am still lost, wandering and hoping that I will be happy again.  I am realizing that I need to be happy and ok with being alone before I can even dream of getting into another relationship.  I want to have a healthy relationship with someone but I can't right now.  I'm too hurt.  I can't stop thinking about him.  I just want ONE day to go by without thinking about him.

I think I am hurt the most that I am still grieving 10 months after our separation (8 months since our divorce), and he got remarried exactly one month after our divorce was final.  It makes me feel so insignificant.  I question everything now.  Did he even love me?  Was it real or just a fairy tale I made up in my head?  I wish I didn't care about him so much.  But I did.  I loved him more than I even thought was possible.  I worshiped the ground he walked on.  I rescued him from a horrible unhappy marriage (so he said), bankruptcy and a poor self esteem.  I told him every day how he handsome and wonderful he was.  He never felt worth it or good enough.  I did everything I could to make him feel like he was the most important man in the world and he was good enough.  In the process of helping him find his self esteem I lost mine.

Now where do I go and what do I do? I know I will look back on this and wonder how I ever got through it.  Day by day I guess.  God is carrying me through each day to the next.  It's hard to feel the comfort right now but I know I am being looked after and this is happening for a reason.  I find great comfort in knowing that my Heavenly Father knows exactly how I am feeling and what I am going through.  Going through this HELL will eventually help me in the future.  My prayers have become more sincere and I know we go through trials so we hit rock bottom and remember what is important.  We always seem to forget God when things are going so well in our lives.  Do we go through the refiners fire so we draw closer to God?

Despite all this grief and pain I am thankful for such a wonderful family and friends who listen to me non stop through this process.  I have a great support system and people who love me unconditionally.  I love my LDS Bishop who has helped me realize what I need to do and what is important.  He gives me guidance and I always feel so much better after I meet with him.  He is so wise and knows exactly what to say to me.  I know he is truly inspired and he is my absolute favorite Bishop of all time.